Reflecting on loneliness

the quiet and soft kind that often accompanies parenthood

The loneliness of motherhood is unique from any other I’ve experienced. Firstly because I’m not actually alone. I’ve got a curious, determined, talkative, feisty, curly headed two year old sidekick at my side pretty much all day everyday. 

He stopped napping very early (somewhere around 22 months or so) and I am still grieving my daily two hour break I counted on everyday. No matter how hard our morning was, I knew he’d fall asleep on our drive home from the park and I could set up my routine. Consisting of some type of special drink (usually some form of a coffee), a special snack (usually toast), my feet up on the couch and some reality show on the TV- his nap was me time. My house was always a mess (still is), but I found that when I forced myself to do nothing during nap time, I was more energized for my second shift once he woke up. It was a time I could feel guilt-free about doing something I liked, that wasn’t productive, didn’t move me towards a tangible goal, but just made me feel good. 

I’m about four months into the no-napping phase and it is still hard for me to get used to. It’s not all terrible, there are plenty of benefits (early bedtime etc.), but I’m mostly mourning the guaranteed time I used to cherish. 

So much of motherhood is full of contradictions and I find myself talking about them often. Raising a toddler is somehow extremely energetically depleting while also fully inspirational and emotionally satisfying. I know one day my son will be in school and I will miss these days we had together. I know there will be days when he will no longer need me to help him and play with him and take care of him. But while I’m in the middle of it, I find myself longing for a break. Being the solid rock to hold space for him as he rides the emotional waves of being a little human is exhausting. Constantly having to regulate myself to keep calm while he freaks out because he wants to put the diaper cream on his mouth and I won’t let him, is exhausting. I’ve learned the guilt I feel for not loving every second of motherhood is like a best kept secret; it feels like I am the only one who experiences it until I start talking to other moms and realize we’re all feeling some version of the same thing. 

I have a lot of thoughts about the societal gaps that lead to the lack of support and uncountable number of barriers that face families and caregivers in America. Our larger structures that are centered around work, productivity and increasing costs of living make raising a family even harder. This absence of societal support leads to a heightened sense of isolation, something many parents I’ve spoken to all seem to experience at some point.

The loneliness of motherhood is unique because I’m actually never alone. Feeling lonely and being alone actually don’t mean the same thing; you can feel alone in a large group of people or in a big city and also feel completely at home when nobody else is there. The experience of loneliness is perceptual and subjective.

There are days when I feel so connected to others, to this community I’ve built online, to my family and friends. And other days, when I’m going about my day, trying to wash the dishes leftover from dinner last night when I can feel my son tugging on my leg to ask me to get him some ketchup or peanut butter (he’s very into condiments these days), and I glance out the window and realize it’s 4pm and I haven’t had a conversation with another adult all day. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me and sometimes it brings a small nugget of sadness. Nothing heavy duty, but just a solemn, quiet feeling. 

I’ve spoken to other moms and heard similar things. It seems we’re all living fragments of the same life regardless of our unique situation. Writing this newsletter has been such a cathartic outlet to transfer all the snippets of thoughts I have throughout the day onto one page. I’ve found such comfort in reading other people’s experiences so I hope that whoever is reading this feels the same. 

I don’t have the solution to this feeling, but I do know that like everything else, it passes. I know that so many mothers feel similar things. I know that the only thing that seems to help me when I feel this way is connecting with others. 

Thank you so much for reading this far. I sometimes go through all the names on the subscribers list and I feel so grateful to have you all here! As always, leave a comment below if you have any thoughts on this. 

Till next time :)